Deciding who will be in your wedding party is something you should do as soon as possible after you become engaged to set people's expectations and avoid misunderstandings. Asking people to play a role in the most important day of your life should be a lovely thing to do, but family pressures and the politics of friendship groups can sometimes make it a bit tricky.
Ideally the people you include in your wedding party should be people that have always supported you and that you can depend on. They may not be the most popular people you know or the life and soul of the party, but you can be sure they will always have your best interests at heart. Inevitably your ideal choices often need to be adapted to suit your family's wishes but this is still a good rule to abide by.
While it is easy to say that you should choose the wedding party you want without worrying about offending people, that is easier said than done. If you think leaving out a certain person that expects to be asked will cause family feuds for years to come you might need to give in gracefully and accept an additional member of your wedding party.
Here are some common issues when choosing your wedding party, and some suggestions for solving them:
Do I need to ask my sister or brother?
Maid of honor and best man are very traditional roles for sisters and brothers, and often they are the obvious choice, but if you're not especially close then you don't have to choose them. If you're only having one maid of honor and one best man, without any other bridesmaids or ushers, it shouldn't be a problem to choose a close friend instead of a sibling, but if you're planning on having a number of attendants then it would seem very unfair to leave them out. Think about how much their feelings will be hurt before you make any decisions. Perhaps they think you are closer than you do?
How many attendants should we have?
There are no hard and fast rules but generally it's acceptable to have one bridesmaid and one usher for every fifty guests. Make sure the number you choose reflects the style of your wedding as well as the size. A flamboyant event can take several attendants, whereas a simple affair may only need two even if you have a lot of guests. If you're having trouble deciding who to ask to be your attendants try reducing the number and keeping it simple, perhaps just your sister or brother, or just one close friend.
Which father should I ask?
The father of the bride should be a fairly clear cut role in the wedding party, but some brides may have to make a choice between their biological father and a step-father that has been a big part of their life for many years. Choosing between them is never easy, and if you're struggling make sure you talk to them about how you feel. There may be tensions between them but they should be adult enough to realize it is your special day and try to make things easier for you. One solution is to avoid the decision altogether, ask your mother to walk you down the aisle, and then ask one father to do the speech while the other does the father and daughter dance.
Should we have young attendants?
Young bridesmaids, page boys, and flower girls can add a beautiful touch to your wedding party, but be aware that there may be some bitterness from parents if some children are chosen while others are not. Make a list of all those you could ask and see if there are any natural groups such as only nephews and nieces, or only children between certain ages. Remember that young children are unpredictable and may not want to walk nicely down the aisle or have their photos taken. You may have to accept that just dressing up and being at the wedding is the biggest role they can play.
The engagement party is often the first time both families meet properly — see our guide to planning your engagement party for the next step.
